The Absolute Best Of The It Chapter Two Twitter “Critic” Reviews
By Ryan McLelland

We here at 2G1 try to be as lazy as possible so we grabbed a bunch of reviewer comments from Twitter and just going to pass this off as an article. If being lazy is an art form, we are George Costanza.

It Chapter Two releases on September 6 and we are fairly certain it is a film. Sources close to the production say it’s a highly anticipated horror sequel to a film called It. Even though the film is two weeks away, asshole critics get to see it first and then give their very unbiased superficial reviews. Because we all care SO FUCKING MUCH WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ON TWITTER!

The reactions are kind of all over the map though by all over the map I mean pretty positive and touching on Bill Hader’s performance. Some critics didn’t think it is as good as the first one but I bet you they say that all the time.

Though I barely give even one shit here, let’s look at what these self-righteous jerk store hack Twitter critics have to say. Some say they are curious about what general audiences are going to think, but I don’t give the other shit what you think either.

Perri Winklez:
It Chapter Two isn’t as refined as the first, but when it comes to killer clown movies that rip people’s arms off it is still an excellent ensemble piece. It oozes the same heart and packed with extremely well-crafted set pieces. Once again director Muschietti weaves the young and adult Losers together for the first time super well, giving IT 2 a truly epic feel. But it isn’t as refined and I know refined. I work on an oil rig.

Yolanda [REDACTED]

(ED NOTE: Yolanda [REDACTED] said our satirical article was racist because we changed her last name to another Spanish last name.  It seems that I AM racist now toward the Spanish community.  It’s too bad my abuelita died because she would like to know her grandson hates his heritage. Yolanda [REDACTED] also wished her Tweet would be removed due to copyright reasons so we removed it.  2G1 apologizes to Yolanda [REDACTED] for our horrible satire and biting racism.  I am truly ashamed of myself.)

Kristen Lapere
Chapter Two really lacks the spark of the original with an incredibly weak script. A good cast is wasted on CGI and wonky de-aging. I’m the only critic thus far to say this, which makes me special.

Mike Schmidt
For the most part I liked IT CHAPTER TWO. First half (of this pretty long movie!) is great. Second half isn’t as tight. Even though movies are three act structures, I only have two comments. Overall Chapter Two isn’t as tight. Like my gluteus.

Leroy Jenkins
It Chapter Two is a terrific companion to It Chapter One. It’s almost like they planned it that way. Similar vibes thanks to the same director, great ensemble chemistry thanks to the same casting director, and a nice mix of humor and horror thanks to the same screenwriter. Part 2 is heavier in tone, dealing with defeating the burden of childhood trauma, unlike kids who are just running around scared for their lives from a scary ass clown. I definitely teared up at the very end. But I also cried at the end of Happy Gilmore.

Courtney T. Smith
Brutal beauty & bold vision. Muschietti brings King’s wicked nightmare factory alive again with all its terrifying, unhinged madness & gory glory. I just learned how to use adjectives and adverbs thanks to so my writing is just so amazingly snazzy. A carnival of creeps, you’ll float too. Wait. That’s the first one.

Haley Mills
It Chapter Two is big and ambitious and can’t *quite* handle the weight of its aspirations. I’m not calling It Chapter Two fat or anything. Just big boned. It’s still a fine piece of heartfelt horror. The parts that work, work REALLY well and Bill Hader is every-bit the scene-stealing standout we all hoped he’d be. But I won’t get into what didn’t work because Twitter only has so many char

Chuck Wagon
It Chapter Two is probably scarier than Chapter One. You would think as a critic I’d be more decisive. Pennywise imagery will haunt your dreams. Not mine cause I’m super tough. It also loses a lot of charm in the shift in focus from the coming of age to the now adult characters. At nearly 3 hours it feels long. Who would think a 180 minute movie would feel like 3 hours!?

Oliver Klothsoph
It’s good but not great. I liked it, but didn’t LOVE it. First movie is a tough act to follow, this is the second one. TWO is gruesome, but the first one was much more gruesomerer. Nails important aspects from the book, but feels overlong because of aspects from the book. Cast is aces, director is a seven of diamonds. Bill Hader SHOULD be in Oscar convo, but might not be.

Everyone is a critic and this really proves that Warner Bros. will let just about anyone into a critic screening. You can read 6,263,742 “critic” reviews over on Twitter where diarrhea verbiage flows like sludge.

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